Transcript

All right, we are in a little mini-series, a very, very practical series of exhortations for us grandparents because we are vitally important as we hope to be a faithful, godly patriarchy in our families. And to moms and dads, especially moms and dads of small children, or or moms and dads who hope to have small children in the next few years. Uh if your children are already kind of preteen or teen, you you’re really late. Uh you’re gonna have to be wise and careful and view this more as a shepherding process. If you come down with a hard hammer of legalism this late in the game, it’s going to be difficult, no matter how good and godly you are, your families. But we have found that if you start when the children are young and not with a brow-beating monotony of repetition, but just generally speak of these truths, it seems to fall in place well as your children get into those teen years and begin to think about someone they would like to get to know of the opposite sex, etc. But the Bible has a lot to say about these truths, a whole lot. And while I don’t have a specific text to build off of, we’ll use a lot of text in the flow of the message this morning.

Now, two weeks ago, we started with that um um message on being a true disciple. Listen to me, I have no desire whatsoever to beat goats into submission to God’s will. That’s not what we’re about. The church is about the regenerate of God, those who have been wrought upon by the gospel and the Holy Spirit so that their hearts have changed and those changed hearts now have a desire for God’s truth and to follow Christ, and the revealed wisdom and truth of God, of course, the word of God. So that that’s where we have to start. We’re not about this cold, letter-of-the-law, rule-keeping nonsense. It’s more than nonsense, it’s evil. There’s no one that Jesus denounced and condemned more than the legalistic, hard-hearted Pharisees of his day, uh the Jewish religious authorities. And we can fall into that, and we find that over and over and over in a lot of evangelical circles. Some of us come out of real corrupt or immoral backgrounds and praise God, he can save any of us. By the way, if you had a more immoral or or maybe even degenerate background before Christ found you and saved you, uh you’re you’re no more evil than the man or boy or girl who grew up in church and maybe did not get involved in outward evils, but their heart was close to God. That’s sinful and evil too. So we all need a Savior, amen, no matter where we’re from. But sometimes if you had a more corrupting type background, you kind of overcompensate when you start to get married and have children, think, I don’t want my children to grow up this way. It it’s interesting. If Satan cannot get us to be too liberal and lenient, he’ll get us to be too hard and legalistic. It it’s just we all, and that’s what I call the ditches. You know, we have those ditches all the time, and we swing over here and get in this ditch, and lo and behold, we find out, “Nah, I’m out I’m out of balance here. I need to move over.” Then we’re pendulum will swing, and we’re prone to get over here in this ditch. I’m saying all that to say this, it’s a heart for God that matters the most. If you are not settled in your heart that, “I want to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ,” these things are not gonna interest you. They they’re not gonna matter to you very much. I I’m not about behavior modification, I’m about soul transformation, which does change your behavior, but always in that order, okay?

Now, don’t misunderstand, we still must teach these truths, even if our children are not yet converted because then like the Apostle Paul, who knew so much about the Old Testament law, and he didn’t understand the Messiah or the Savior, and then he gets saved, and then all the learning he had under Judaism becomes completed, if you will, and alive in his heart. And so we wanna teach these things, not in a brow-beating, harsh tone to our children, so that when God does save them, they’ve got a reservoir of truth to draw from and build on. So, being a true disciple, so that’s my challenge to you young people today and that’s my challenge to parents and grandparents today. Do you wanna be a grandparent who helps lead your grandchildren like a true disciple who’s a grandparent would lead their grandchildren? Moms and dads, do you wanna lead your children the way a true disciple who’s a Christian parent should lead their children? And you young people, do you wanna live for God like a true disciple? Now that’s a choice you have to make. Nobody can make that for you. Remember we talked about how this is an individual choice and it’s a mandated choice. There’s no neutral ground. If you’re in neutral ground territory, “Well I’m not dedicated to Christ as his disciple, but I’m not chasing the world and Satan either.” No, you are too. You’re either a disciple or you’re against God. There is no neutral ground in this thing.

So that’s where we begin, “I wanna be a true disciple of Jesus Christ.” Now, last Sunday, we talked about the detour of modern dating, this whole concept that we just kinda go along and kinda, well, whatever the crowd’s doing, then that’s what we do, and kinda generally what the kids at school are doing, then that’s what my kids are gonna do. Who told you that? I don’t know if you checked lately, but our world is going straight to hell like a rocket ship. We cannot go along with this culture. And we can be kind and loving and respectful of all people, because all people are made in the image of God, but we must not, as a church family, flow with the culture, we must flow with the Savior and honor the word of God.

Um, hesitate to mention this, but kind of on a side note, chasing a little rabbit here, I I discovered this week, and wasn’t looking for it, that two of our local businesses in the Shoals area had put, well it’s on the internet, that they are LBGTQRXYZ+ whatever it is, friendly, friendly. That bothers me. I don’t have to shop with those people. I don’t have to go to that physician’s office or whatever it is. And um here’s the difference, brothers and sisters, while we we would we would command almost, that’s strong, all of our business owners, you love and treat everyone equally. You you don’t have to be concerned of what they did last night. They’re they’re human beings and Paul said if we’re gonna be away from all of those kind of people, we’d have to leave the world. We can’t do that. What he’s saying was you’re gonna have to mix it up with wicked sinners. But to have a business where I promote and celebrate evil, that’s very different. You don’t have to put that on your website and you can still treat all people with kindness and compassion and equality. Amen, y’all with me? I’m gonna talk about this a little bit more later, but um I believe there’s a loving and affirming but clear way we can communicate to some of the people you might do business with that as long as you’re gonna publicly celebrate and promote these evils, we cannot do commerce with you. Okay, that’s a side note on the note of we cannot flow with the culture.

And modern dating, as it’s evolved, has become a detour from God’s safe path for us. In every area of life, the Scriptures give us the safe path and in every area of life, Satan sometimes will paint it up with a verse or two of Scripture, he’ll paint it up with some Christian phrases, but the but the path that he gives us is actually a detour from God’s good path. All right, we talked about that. Now we come to the third installment this morning, and what I would call following God’s plan for a Christian guy-girl relationship. Now this shis applies whether whether you’re 14 or 15, uh or whether you’re 24, 25, or 84, 85. I remember listening to an older pastor, like I’m old now, and he he used to always say that, you know, I had a rule that I didn’t hug any female in the church over the age of like five or seven, or or if they were not over 60. If you’re within five and 60, I couldn’t hug you. He said, but now those 60-year-old women are looking better to me than they looked before. Here’s what I’m about trying to tell you, uh uh we follow God’s principles no matter what age we are. And can I say it again, church? Some of the most foolish and carnal decisions concerning courtship and marriage have been made by senior adults.

Now ladies who are senior adults and might be a widow, listen to your pastor. You’re very vulnerable and it’s very easy for many of you to have a conniving and a man of evil motives to take advantage of you and you ought to let us help you in that. I’ve seen ladies absolutely devastated by these rascals that come along and put on Christian clothing, act like, “Well, I’ll marry you and we’ll serve the Lord.” Really what they’re after is their money sometimes and and just other ill motives, if you will. But anyway, it doesn’t matter what age you are, the truth remains the same for all of us. Uh Charles Deakins was my pastor up in Tennessee, and what a great man of God he was. Oh, I’m so grateful for the influence he had on my life. And his dear wife passed away, and uh we used to talk on the phone every now and then, and he was telling me he was seeing a lady, another senior adult lady, and we’re talking 80-something years old, I think, at this time. He said, but I want you to know, Brother Jeff, we keep the Bible in the seat between us when we go out on a date. Well, and he literally meant that, by the way. He meant it funny, but he was literally doing that.

All right, following God’s plan for Christian guy-girl relationships. Number one, here’s what you’ve got to do, first, you’ve got to focus on becoming a godly person. Fight the good fight, young people, of not focusing on having that right girlfriend or boyfriend, and those are phrases we didn’t use in our home, and I would encourage you, not legalism, but I would encourage you, just don’t do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Some of you moms don’t do it. You don’t, “Oh, how sweet, how cute that is, da-da-da-da.” That’s just not a good thing. And I like the phrase, if you don’t use it, it doesn’t mean you can’t raise your children, right, but I do like the phrase, a Christian guy-girl relationship versus he’s my boyfriend, or she’s my girlfriend. But before you focus on that, focus on becoming a godly person. Now listen to me, what you’ll find is, if you’ll make that your priority, then you will attract the right person. Well, that’s huge. If it’s your heart of hearts to become the right kind of godly person, you will attract the right kind of godly person.

Again, the Ecclesiastes 12:1 that we looked at so much last week, “Remember, also your Creator in the days of your youth,” i.e. be a true and genuine disciple when you’re young. This isn’t just for the older folks, when you’re young. Proverbs 19:14 reminds us, “A prudent wife is from the Lord.” Matthew 6:31 through 33, “Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need these things,” and he also knows to add to eat or drink or wear, a life partner. That’s included in the principle of the verse. Don’t worry about that life partner, but, verse 33, Matthew 6:33, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things,” food, clothing, where we’re gonna live, and the right life partner, “all these things will be added unto you.” Because a prudent wife, expand that out, a fine and good spouse is from the Lord. Are you listening to me? You’ve got to find God to find your spouse. She’s with him. He’s with him, that is with God. So you need to hang with God and you’ll find the right person.

Psalm 62 verse 5 says, “My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.” The godly young girl might lie in bed and say, “Lord, will I ever have anyone interested in me? My convictions are strong. My standards are high. I wanna honor my parents’ authority in this courtship thing.” A young man may lay in bed and think about those things. Well, here’s what you’ve gotta do. You gotta say, “Lord, I’m gonna seek You. And if that means I stay single my whole life, so be it. I don’t want to, Lord. I don’t want to and I ask You to take care of that area of my life. My hope is in You. I’m not gonna compromise to find somebody. My hope, Lord,” as the psalmist said, “is in You.”

I’ll give just a little testimony of of Pam and I as the attractiveness developed in our hearts for each other and um, I had um, see if I wanna say this at this time. Yeah, I do. Um I’ve got a lot to say this morning. I had heard a Christian teacher exhort young single guys and he said this, he said, “Look, don’t look for or pray for a good Christian girl.” He said, “Good Christian girls are a dime a dozen. Oh, they’re all, you know, she’s a good Christian girl. Just a church-going girl.” He said, “You don’t want just a a good Christian girl or a good church-going girl. That that’s just a very broad phrase. There’s a bunch of those.” He said, “What you want is a godly woman. Pray for a godly woman.” Well, look, when I got saved, I heard stuff like that. That’s what I did. And I remember as vividly and clearly as ever kneeling on my knees and repeatedly praying, “Lord, I I don’t want a good Christian girl, there are a dime a dozen, I want a godly woman.” And I don’t know about a few months after that, Pam and I found each other, you know the story goes, y’all know the umbrella story? How Pam was walking across the campus, it was raining with an umbrella, and she turned to me and yelled at me, “Hey, come get under my umbrella.” Y’all remember that story? She swears with all of her might, it did not happen that way, but she said, “I was walking under my umbrella and you appeared under my umbrella.” And that’s probably closer to the truth.

But along that time, um, Pam, who was a very moral person, an upright person, but her testimony is that she had drifted from joying in the Lord and treasuring the Lord and fellowshipping with the Lord. You know, just putting on good morals and rules doesn’t make you a good Christian. But God had brought her to a humbling and a brokenness and a renewal and a repentance. And I saw that in her countenance. I saw the difference. And and she and I got together after I I recognized that one Sunday in church. I said, “You just look different.” And we went to eat one afternoon for lunch and she shared the testimony. “The Lord’s just humbled me and I’ve just got a different repentance about honoring Him and being close to Him and not just being a good, clean person, but loving the Lord.” And she says, “Well, I could see in your countenance you are passionate and committed about things. You believed the things that you believed.” And so that that drew us together. Now look, she’s very easy on the eyes. She’s very fine to look at. But a lot of good Christian girls are or good Christian guys are handsome. But you’re looking for that that only can show up in the countenance when somebody is humbled and joying in Christ. You be a godly person, you will draw a godly person. They will recognize that. And there’s a sweet, wholesome beauty there in that, when the countenance is illumined like that, that is so powerful.

Um, remember Cain, how Cain brought the wrong offering to the Lord? And evidently the Lord had told Cain and Abel the kind of offering they were to bring, but Cain kind of did his own thing. You know, “I’ll worship God my way. I’ll be a disciple my way,” you know, that’s kind of Cain. So Cain brought his offering and God rejected it and the Bible says Cain’s countenance was fallen. You see, the countenance reveals the condition of the heart. Psalm 10 forces the the wicked have a haughty countenance. It shows up on your face. Psalm 42:11 speaks that God is the help of my countenance. God is the one who brings a brightness, a joy, a sweetness, a purity to my countenance and if you’ll walk with God, you will carry that countenance. And another boy or girl that’s the kind of person you maybe ought to consider as a life partner will also have that kind of countenance. So seek to be a godly person first and let God draw you together in his timing. I’ve got to hurry on.

Roman numeral two concerning a Christian guy-girl relationship status, you young people need to honor the authority and protection of your parents. That means your dating life. That means you don’t choose who you would court. Your parents do. Did I make that clear enough? Now, you should be attracted to them, it should be certainly somebody, I I I’m not proposing arranged marriages, those those do work better, historically speaking. Every survey proves that. You know, it is interesting, the Bible says foolishness is bound up in the heart of the of the children, and we think young people and children who have foolishness, that bound up means it’s tightly wadded and packed all in there. Foolishness is bound up in the hearts of children, i.e., and young people. They need the parents’ wisdom and help so that they don’t make foolish decisions that they will regret the rest of their lives.

So we need to learn to honor the authority and protection of our parents. Matthew 6, um uh I’m sorry, Ephesians 6:1 through 3. “Children, obey your parents and the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise. so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Now, this was a day of arranged marriages when this was written so that would include honor your parents’ guidance on who you’re going to marry, or even who you’re going to have a guy- girl relationship with. That’s a couple of steps before marriage, if you will.

Seek your father’s permission. I remember sitting down with my dad, who I don’t believe was a Christian, and he honestly didn’t think he was qualified or even interested in who I was courting, but I sat him down and said, “God has ordained that you give me guidance and protection. You’ve met Pam, what do you think? Would you give me your blessing?” And he did and I would not have uh sought a relationship with Pam if my dad had said, “No, I don’t think she’s the right person. I don’t think she will work for you.”

God gives your parents to you as what uh one Christian teacher called an umbrella of protection. When you when you’re submitted to your parents, the totality of your life, it’s like an umbrella that shields you from unrighteous temptations and bad decisions. And so here’s what it gives you, young people, same thing it gives a church if they’ll honor their pastors. You get on your knees, young people, and say, “I’m gonna honor my parents, God. Now You keep my parents right.” Young people, it’s not your job to get mom and dad right, but I guarantee you God can. I guarantee you, if you’ll get on your knees and say, “God, guide me through my authority You’ve given me, based on Your word, my mom and dad, I’m gonna submit to them. Now God, You make sure they’re right.” If the God can move the king’s heart like rivers of water, that means change the king’s hearts and decisions however he wants to, he can certainly move the parents’ hearts. like rivers of water and move them where they need to be for your good and for his glory. Let me remind you again that God has made fathers so that they can see impure motives in boys that their daughters cannot see, and God has made mothers so that they can see impure motives in other girls that their sons cannot see.

Now, you may have to educate your parents. It’s not unusual to have good parents who say, “You know, I’ve never heard anything about this. No one’s ever taught me anything about this. I don’t know what to do.” Well, there’s some good books out there on courtship. This series would be a good uh series. Say, “Mom or Dad, would you listen to this and then give me your guidance on these things? I wanna honor you and submit to you in these areas.” You may need to encourage them and I think one of the reasons why so many parents are on the sideline here is because they say, “Well, I didn’t do it right.” I don’t care if you didn’t do it right. That’s gone, that’s behind you, that’s under the blood. Now let’s do it right for the next generation. You’re not trying to be a legalistic uh killjoy when you had, quote, all your fun, end quote, you’re trying to save your children from the pitfalls and the destructions that you fell into. So young people, you may have to encourage them, say, “Mom and dad, look, I don’t know what you did. I don’t want to know, but I need you to give me guidance here and I need you to give me protection because I’m going to submit to your authority.” Now, if like me, maybe your parents are not active practicing Christians at all, then there might then there’s clearly families in our church and and and men and women in our church that you could go to and say, “Would you be an umbrella protection for me? Could I come to you for accountability and guidance in this area of Christian guy-girl relationships?”

All right, number three, young Christian boys and girls should treat all boys as brothers in Christ and all girls as sisters in Christ. This thing of, “Well, if they’re my boyfriend or girlfriend, you know, we’re different than if we’re just friends in Christ.” Where did you get that? Listen to me, God has not ordained the pleasures of marital intimacy to be practiced outside of the marital relationship. So it’s wise, like Paul tells this single young preacher, Timothy, 1 Timothy chapter 5, verses 1 and 2, that you’re to appeal to the younger women as sisters in all purity. “Timothy, you’re single. You’re a young man. Your hormones are real and sometimes your hormones are raging. But make sure you’ve predetermined, as you deal with the young ladies of the opposite sex, you deal with them as you would a sister, in all purity.” And as 1 Thessalonians 4::4 through 6 teaches us, we’re “to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter.” Remember the idea of defrauding is to stir up desires that you cannot righteously satisfy. Girls, you should not dress and you should not behave with young men in ways that stirs up their God-given desires because you’re not married to them and you can’t righteously satisfy them. Our Christian girls must not, should not, cannot dress the way non-Christian girls dress. Young men, you must not, should not, cannot use the kind of verbiage, words, endearing, caring, sweet things to stir up desires in another young lady that you are not able to righteously satisfy.

Now folks, a lot of people aren’t teaching this thing. You need to you need to etch it down on your hearts. Granddads, you have a role here. Grandma, you have a role here. The Bible says we are to lay down our lives for the brethren. You should love that girl you’re starting a Christian guy-girl relationship, you’re to love that boy you’re starting a guy-girl Christian relationship with to the end that you would say, instead of hurting them, and if I allow us to go into places and intimacies that we’re not to go in, then I am damaging them, I am using them, and I am hurting them. I’m certainly not laying down my life for their good. I’m certainly not viewing them as a sister in Christ or a brother in Christ.

I think there’s a powerful picture of this principle when when Joseph hears that Mary, his fiancee, is pregnant. Of course, she’s pregnant of the Holy Spirit. She’s carrying the baby Jesus. But he did what 100% of us guys would do. He thought she’s been immoral. She’s sinned against me, she’s sinned against God, and I could have her publicly shamed. But Joseph determined to love her and put her away silently to cover for her a lot of the shame and embarrassment and reproach. It’s that spirit that we ought to have in a Christian guy-girl relationship. How can I protect this girl? How can I protect this young man so that he walks with God or she walks with God and honors God? Not what can I get from them? Now you know afresh why we began this series with being a true disciple, because if you’re not really converted and true disciple, you will not want to do these things.

Number four, spend time in group settings. As you’ve gotten to know this young lady or this young man and you want to just hang out a little bit, do it in group settings. Remember Romans 7:18, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me that is in my flesh.” Here’s what that means: I absolutely cannot trust my lying, deceptive, manipulative, scheming heart. I don’t trust me so I’m not gonna put myself in situations where I’m giving an occasion for the lust of the flesh. I must honor 2 Timothy 2:22, which says to flee youthful lust. Only a fool would trust in his flesh and say, “I am strong enough, I don’t have to do it like the other kids at church do it.” That’s foolish. That’s saying God’s word doesn’t apply to you; you’re the rare exception to God’s truth and God’s word. So do things with the church youth group. Do things with school groups. Do things in the home of one another when others are present. Perhaps go on double dates, so to speak. But do things with other people and don’t put yourself in those tempting situations. Always make sure your parents know when you’re together and what you’re up to and remind them, “I’m trusting you mom and dad for my protection.”

Number five, concerning Christian guy-girl relationships, be accountable to your youth group. Be accountable to other young people who are on the same journey you are on. Now, young people, let’s be loving here. Let’s don’t be harsh to each other, but let’s do be genuinely accountable to one another. Proverbs 27:17 reminds us that iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another. I don’t know how many years ago it’s been, but it’s been a lot of years ago. When I first went to Romania, we were asked to help a church with small group ministry and uh I did not know all that much about the present situation in Romania, only that the communist tyrant dictator Ceausescu had just been executed just recently and the country was trying to come out from under the the horrible, terrible uh situation they were under, under socialism and communism. By the way, it’s never worked and it never will work. That junk has never blessed the people. But the churches, and there’s a strong Baptist witness in Romania, the churches were really persecuted. Matter of fact, the previous pastor of this church had been beaten just for being a Christian pastor. Uh Ceausescu basically declared Romania an atheist state and he viewed any view any form of Christianity as a as an opposition to his his rule, his tyranny, if you will.

And I was only there for a couple of days, and I’ve told you this before, but I I’ve realized in recent years, I was in I was a part of something that was very, very rare and unique. We would be in this little church. The church would be about three-fourths the size of one of our sections here. Maybe three fourths the size. Now, I’m not exaggerating. They would get 350 to 400 people in that little room. I would preach and there would be a man’s face literally two feet from my pulpit. Those people longed for the word of God. And I mean, just sitting all around me, I could barely move three or four feet to preach. Not a hint of movement, not a distraction of any kind, totally, thoroughly, riveted on, “Give us the word of God.” Are you praying for revival in America? Maybe we need a Ceausescu. Maybe we need to know what it’s like to be under oppression and we’d have a deeper gratitude and thanksgiving for the truth that we can hear or do hear.

Anyway, getting to my point, I noticed the young people were very unique and there was clearly a love and an accountability and I I asked the pastor, I said, “Um I don’t see this budding up with boyfriend, girlfriend stuff in your church and all that.” And he I said, “Tell me about that.” He said, “Well, our young people have learned to hold each other accountable to remain pure before marriage, and if a couple begins to become an item and off to themselves, the girls will go to the girls and the boys will go to the boys and say, you know, that’s not wise. As Christians, we don’t need to be doing that.” So young people, seek that kind of friendship and that accountability. Now look, look, young people, look at your pastor right here. You don’t have to be a disciple. You just go and be your own thing. But if you’re gonna be a disciple, you have to be different. Not legalism. Your family don’t have to do it just like the Noblit family, but the principles do not change. Spend time in group settings.

All right, number six. After the Christian guy-girl relationship, you sense, your family senses it, it’s God’s direction, then enter a courtship relationship. So we start with a Christian guy-girl relationship. If God leads in that, we go to the more serious level of a Christian courtship, then that goes to Christian engagement, and then Christian marriage, unless God stops it. Now, here’s how I would define a Christian courtship, all right? Here’s how I would define it, it’s a disciplined relationship between two people to determine whether or not it’s God’s will that they should become engaged in marriage. You must not, listen to me, ever enter into a serious relationship where you are not seriously committed that I plan on this lasting forever. In other words, we’re not gonna get intimate with people and try people on like a pair of clothes and then throw them off. That’s what happens in the Christian guy-girl relationship. We give someone to see if that’s the kind of person we wanna get close to. We have good accountability. We do things in group settings. We’re under the protection of our parents. So we avoid any depth of emotional and and physical and sexual intimacy so that way, if it’s not God’s will, we can go our separate rays ways and we don’t tear our souls apart by doing that because every time you give yourself emotionally and particularly physically to a person of the opposite sex, you leave a part of you with them every time. But a Christian guy-girl relationship where you’re treating one another like a brother in Christ and a sister in Christ, that kind of pain and damage is not done to your soul.

Now, to enter into this phase of what we call a Christian courtship, there’s eight considerations I want to give you, and I’ll be pretty quick on these, all right? Eight considerations if you move from Christian guy-girl relationships into a Christian courtship. First of all, the courtship is more formal, it’s more serious, it must begin with a meeting between the young man and the girl’s father. Now, I required the boys to ask my permission to spend time to start with, and that you must start there but this meeting is a different level. It’s to say, “I want to talk to your dad about having a more serious pursuit of you and you of me to see if it’s God’s will for us to go further down the line.” So you’re looking for that father to give you his blessing and his protection to continue as you enter into courtship. You ought to tell that father that, “Look, I wanna be accountable to you. Not only do I want you, dad, or the girl’s dad, that is, to give me this accountability, I expect you to. You can ask me any questions at any time.” You talk about culling out the knuckleheads. If he’s not a true disciple and wants to honor God, he’s not going to be interested in having that kind of relationship with that girl’s father.

Number two, if they’re gonna be a person you’re gonna court, both must be growing Christians. Growing. There must be a good evidence that she really is seeking the Lord and growing in the Lord. There must be good evidence that he really is seeking the Lord and growing in the Lord. Remember 1 Corinthians 5:11 gives a strong command that we’re not to associate with any so-called brother, any professing Christian, that should be living an immoral life. In other words, they’re not really living like a Christian, though they’re in church and they’re saying they are. Well, then, you’re to make sure that’s the kind of person you don’t want to enter into a courtship relationship with. This whole idea of missionary courtship where, “Well, I know they’re not walking with the Lord, but I’m gonna get them to come on with the Lord,” that’s a foolish thing to do. If they’re the one for you, God will have turned their hearts to him before the courtship starts.

Number three, not only have a beginning meeting with the girl’s father, not only should both be growing Christians, but thirdly, there must be a unity of calling, a unity of calling. I remember so clearly a a young lady that I was seeing years ago before I met Pam, actually, and um she would always talk about her ambitions for the future, “Gonna do this and that, travel here and travel there,” and I knew God had called me to preach. None of that was wrong, by the way. She she was a fine young lady, but the compatibility was completely not there. God called me to preach, and you know, when I started preaching with you guys 43, 44 years ago, you paid me $50 a week. Now, I don’t know if you understand this or not, but you’re not gonna travel to Europe for two weeks on a vacation making $50 a week. So it became real clear to me that this was a fine young lady that was not the compatibility of calling or plans for life. It just wasn’t God’s will. And today, she is married to a plastic surgeon and uh seems to be very happy and I praise the Lord for that.

Number four, before you enter a courtship, a Christian courtship, check out the compatibility of your families, the compatibility of your families. And this is true even if both families are committed Christians. You know, some some would say I come from an orientation from the dark ages. Every every home and woman in my life, aunts, sisters, parent, grandparents, had a very thorough traditional role of the home. But if you were to marry somebody opposite of that, it just looks, they think you’re weird and you think they’re weird. Every girl is gonna expect her husband to do what her daddy did in the home. And every boy, here’s where it gets tough, because a lot of mama’s boys out there, every boy expects his new wife to do what his mom did in the home. So there’s an element of discussing very practical everyday things. Who took out the garbage? Who cooked the meals? I can’t conceive of a place where the wife didn’t cook the meals, because that’s all I ever saw. I think I saw my dad make a chili dog one time. So you’ve got you’ve got to talk about who did what and what was expected. Is there compatibility? Now I’m not saying it’s a deal breaker, but I promise you if the compatibility’s not there, it is a troublemaker. It puts a challenge in things because you just wake in the morning up in the morning thinking on two different or in two different solar systems or something. Compatibility of families matters. And of course, it it goes without saying, if they were not committed Christians, that’s a giant challenge. Now listen, it doesn’t mean it’s not God’s will because God may have genuinely saved that boy or girl out of that lost family, but it does make it a challenge. You need to know what you’re in for before you get into it.

All right, number five on before entering a courtship relationship, a Christian courtship relationship, education. Uh what about the education or training for this young man? Is he able to provide? Is he on a good track? Is how long will it be before he graduates and can go to work? And uh uh does the young lady, does she have a good biblical balance? Even if she pursues some sort of education and training, that’s perfectly fine, but is she also committed to the home and the children first, like the Scriptures lay out, and balance those things as God wills? Make sure you’re on the same thought wave of those kind of things. Um so education and training is an important thing to consider.

Number six, finances. Can he support a wife? You say, “Well, wait a minute, Brother Jeff, in our day and age, you know, the wife can do 50% and and and the dad can do 50%.” I got one problem with that, and I’m not saying mom working is wrong. I’m just saying this: only moms can conceive babies. Only moms can carry those babies. Only moms can birth those babies. Only mom can breastfeed those babies. And only mom can be a mom to those babies. So there’s likely to be seasons, and hopefully so, when you’re not gonna be able to work and do what you know in your hearts naturally and what the word of God says should be your priority. So young ladies, you outta have it in your heart and mind, “I may work and I may help us, but if I don’t, especially when we have young children, I wanna make sure this guy can pay the bills.” And if he can’t, you might wanna rethink that.

Number seven, pastoral confirmation. I would never get married or seek the courtship level, without going to one of my pastors and saying, “Do you see anything here that concerns you? You know Sally, you know me. Tell me what you think.” I remember so distinctly sitting down with Bob Pittman and Noah Wright and talking to them about my courtship with Miss Pam and we were about to go forward. I said, “Do you see anything?” I’m telling you, as I’m standing here this morning, if one of them had said, “Brother Jeff, we really have doubts that this is God’s will,” I would have called it off. I feared God more than I was bound to Miss Pam. And I was bound to her and I loved her. But I don’t think God’s going to mislead me and pastoral authority, and trust me, as pastors, I wanna say this to you. Brother Matt, I think, would amen this. We err greatly on the side of grace and affirmation in these things. We we’re not dictators, we’re not apostles, we’re not cardinals or bishops or popes, we’re just pastors. And so unless there is clear biblical injunction, and sometimes just common sense exhortations, like you need to wait a while, there’s some character issues and immaturity issues here that we need to work through first. But we’re very gracious as we possibly can be. But I would seek that pastoral confirmation. I remember, as I told you, the young lady that I was courting before I ever met Pam, uh the pastor of First Baptist Church of Lawrenceburg, Tennessee, what a wonderful man, Charles Dinkins, he sat me down one day and said, “She’s a fine Christian girl, but she’s not a pastor’s wife.” He just told me. And I thought, “Wow, what wisdom that is.” And he was he was right.

Number eight, and actually, this is not a particular order I’m giving you these. This one might be very close to the top, if not the top one. Identify character qualities. Look for proof of character qualities. And let me just throw this in, watch how the boy treats his mom. Is he respectful? Is he honorable? Is he is he sweet to her? Does he try to protect her? Because that’s the way he’s gonna deal with you. Those are good character qualities. Watch how a girl relates to her dad. Is she smart, disrespectful, not submissive? Or is she honoring and respectful, looks up to her dad, gives him respect that he deserves? Those those are character qualities that are so essential. Learn to fall in love with that person’s character. Are they dependable? Do they have determination? Do they carry their lives with a responsibility? Do they honor godly authority? Are they honest? Do they bend the truth a lot, try to get their way?

I remember one of the things that was so attractive to me in Ms. Pam was that she is a fiercely loyal and devoted person. Once she decides, “This is my path,” she’s with you. And Lord knows, as some of you have been here a long time, the many dangers, toils and snares we’ve been through as a pastor in the church family, but there was never one tiny moment when Pam wasn’t wholly determined, “I’m with you all the way.” Look for and fall in love with the character qualities but what Satan wants to do is get you emotionally and physically bound with a person, and then you are blinded to the importance of character. Satan’s always got a detour. You see, the goal of Christian guy-girl relationships and the goal of Christian courtship is not emotional and physical intimacy.

So again, therefore, if one of these doesn’t work out, one of these areas you’re looking at and you think, “I don’t think this is gonna work for us,” then the guy-girl relationship or even the courtship can be terminated without leaving a piece of your soul behind. So we developed this um covenant commitment thing, and I’ll preach on that next week more, where the young man sits down with his father and the father makes a covenant pledge and the son makes a covenant pledge one to another. Now listen to me, you can raise your children to be godly children and do this right and not do this, okay? But I think it’s a helpful thing, and it’s something that I think many of you would like to do. So the Father says in covenant to the son, “I will protect you from strange women.” Now that’s the phrase of the King James for the woman of impure motives and and ambitions. “I’ll protect you from the strange woman. I will be diligent to guard you from temptations common to young men. I will teach you God’s principles concerning life and marriage. I will pray for you, seek with you, and communicate with you concerning God’s choice of your life partner.” And the son responds by saying, “I will accept your your protection and keep myself pure for my wife. I acknowledge that that I am capable of being deceived and I will make myself regularly accountable to you. I will listen and learn until I’m ready for marriage before seeking a mate. And I will seek first the kingdom of God and I look forward to entering a biblical relationship and wait for your blessing before entering marriage.”

And likewise, the daughter with her father, the father says to her daughter in covenant, “I will protect you from strange men. I will be diligent to guard you from temptations common to young women.” Let me just pause right there because I I said this to my girls. I don’t know where I heard it, but it ought to be what we say to our girls and our boys. If you’re ever in any social environment and things start happening that you know as a Christian, “I don’t need to be here, matter of fact, I’m kind of scared of what’s going on,” anywhere, anytime, any place, call me, I’ll be there. If I have to get on a plane and fly, I’ll be there to protect you the best I possibly can. “I will teach you God’s principles concerning life and marriage. I will pray for you, seek with you, and communicate with you concerning God’s choice of your life partner.” The daughter covenants to her father, “I will accept your protection and keep myself pure for my husband. I acknowledge that I am capable of being deceived, and I will make myself regularly accountable to you. I will listen and learn until I’m ready for marriage before seeking a mate. I will seek first the kingdom of God, look forward to entering a biblical relationship, and wait for your blessing before entering marriage.”

Now, certainly, moms should be very involved in this, especially if we’re dealing with daughters. We had a a a family in our church years ago, and they had a a beautiful daughter and um the mom used to say, you’d have to know this lady, she’s pretty outgoing, pretty pretty boisterous and clear and straightforward, in a good way. And she said, “I’d sit my daughter down there now and just check her out. I just asked her exactly what’s going on, what’s been happening, what you’ve been doing.” And that kind of accountability is good for a mother to daughter.

Let me close with this, all right? And I’m just gonna read this. You probably will remember it, some of you. It it’s a sweet story, but it makes the point of things being more than just chasing after the emotional and physical relationship that our world so pushes on us. It it’s kind of an old, old story, but listen to it. A GI stood in Grand Central Station. He was looking for a woman who was to be wearing a red rose. But now let’s go back to the beginning of the story. John Blanchard was in Florida at a used bookstore in which he purchased a book. He began reading the book and found himself interested not only in the contents of the book, but intrigued by the notes and thoughts of someone who had the book before him. He thought to himself, “I must meet this person.” He found out who sold the book, a Miss Hollis Maybell, who lived in New York City. He contacted her and they set up a time in which they could meet. But one week before he was to meet her, I’m sorry, to travel to New York to meet her, John Blanchard was given orders to go to Europe, where he would be stationed for two years. They wrote to each other, and she was such an encouragement to him. At one point, he wrote and asked for a picture, but she wrote back and said, “What I look like is not important.” Finally, the day came when he would be coming home, and they agreed to meet at Grand Central Station. She would be wearing a red rose, and here’s what happened in his own words. “A young woman was coming towards me, her figure long and slim, her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears, her eyes were blue as flowers, her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and she was in a pale green suit. She was beautiful. She was springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. I moved, a small provocative smile came upon her lips and she said, ‘Going my way, soldier?’ Almost uncontrollably, I made a step closer to her and then I saw Hollis Maybell standing almost directly behind this beautiful young girl. She was a woman well past 40. She had gray hair tucked under her hat. She was more than plump. Her thick-ankled feet were tucked into low-heeled shoes. The beautiful girl in the green suit walked away quickly. I felt like I was split in two. So keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly compassioned me and helped me with my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible. Her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small, worn, blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it might be something precious, something even better than love, a friendship that I had been and must forever be grateful for. I squared my shoulders, saluted, and held out the book to the young woman, and even though while I spoke, I felt choked by the bitterness and disappointment. ‘I am Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maybell. I’m so glad you could meet me. Could I take you, lady, out to dinner?’ The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile, and she said, ‘I don’t know what this is all about, son, but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this red rose on my coat and she said, if you were to ask me out to dinner, I was to tell you that she would be waiting for you in the restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test.'”

Learn to love the character, the person, the changed heart, the countenance of Christ, and not so much the outward appearance and God might just give you someone that’s got it all.