In today’s world, the idea of a Christian guy-girl relationship is quite literally lost in a sea of worldly, ungodly influences. In every area of life, God has His “path” and “Satan” has a “detour.” For young people and their parents who desire to follow God’s plan, as well as any believer of any age thinking of a relationship with the opposite sex, we cannot go along with this culture. Modern dating has become a detour from God’s safe “path” for us. God’s “path” is laid out clearly in Scripture.

Following God’s way for Christian guy-girl relationships isn’t about being legalistic. The foundational key is not rules, guidelines, and principles; it’s the “new heart,” a heart changed by the Gospel! Too much law and legalism here may result in raising little Pharisees who are law-keepers but may become little rebels when they get some independence. However, a true disciple of Christ will desire Him first and foremost and strive to glorify Him in all things, including purposing to abide by biblical principles as they deal with the opposite sex all the way through to marriage. An unbeliever will not desire this though the wisdom of these biblical principles may still protect them from harm, both emotionally and physically. For this reason, do not wait until a young person is converted to teach these principles. This biblical approach, which I refer to as Dating and Discipleship, should be taught at an early age. A biblical marriage, which is the end goal of a guy-girl and then courtship relationship, will lead to a God-honoring marriage that reflects the beauty of the Gospel.

The relationship progression begins with a Christian guy-girl relationship, which can grow into a Christian courtship. Courtship is a more serious stage, where both individuals, guided by their parents, discern whether they are being led by God toward a Christian marriage. This is followed by Christian engagement, and then Christian marriage. Though following the Lord’s “path” requires denying the world’s plan and your own plan, and “carrying your cross” as you accept any suffering/persecution this may bring, the blessings of following God’s “path” far outweigh any difficulties.

Here are some general guidelines to help you navigate Christian guy-girl relationships. For a more exhaustive study, listen through my sermon series on Dating and Discipleship and use the study booklet on Dating and Discipleship as you listen.

General guidelines to help you navigate Christian guy-girl relationships:

Focus on Becoming a Godly Person

Before diving into a relationship, your priority, as a true disciple of Christ, should always be your personal walk with God. Ecclesiastes 12:1 calls us to “remember also your Creator in the days of your youth,” meaning, make being a true disciple of Jesus Christ your first goal now. Even though you are young, you are still under His authority and under His blessing and goodness. So, stay close to Him and honor Him. When you seek God first, you will naturally attract the right kind of person, one who is also pursuing God, and you will repel worldly prospects. If you want to find the right life partner, you must find God first. Don’t seek a spouse. Seek God. Proverbs 19:14 reminds us that a good wife is a gift from the Lord, and Matthew 6:33 encourages us that if we seek first God’s kingdom and righteousness, He will provide everything we need—including the right life partner. Psalm 10:4 and Psalm 42:11 speak of godly and wicked countenances. The countenance of someone who walks with God reflects a heart that treasures Him. This godly countenance will attract a godly spouse.

Honor the Authority and Protection of Your Parents

In our culture, young people often feel the need to chase relationships based on their own desires, ignoring the wisdom and protection that parents provide. But Ephesians 6:1-3 tells us that honoring our parents is not only right, but it’s a command with a promise: “that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Parents have a unique ability to see things in the opposite sex that their children may not see. Mothers can discern improper motives in young girls their sons often cannot see, and fathers can see improper motives in young boys their daughters cannot see. God gave young people parents for their protection. It is crucial that parents step up, father’s specifically, and lead/guide your children in biblical guy-girl relationships, regardless of whether or not this was the practice of your own life, for their good and because it is right. Sequentially, young people must submit to their parents’ guidance in relationships. I encourage young people to seek their parents’ wisdom, specifically their father’s blessing/permission before moving forward in a relationship. Young people should not choose who they will court; their parents should. Proverbs 22:15 tells us that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, i.e. young people. They need their parents’ wisdom and guidance so that they don’t make foolish decisions that they will regret the rest of their lives.

Treat All Boys as Brothers and All Girls as Sisters in Christ

One of the biggest mistakes young Christians make is treating those they are interested in differently, more intimately, than they would treat others in the church. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 makes it clear: young men are to treat younger women “as sisters, in all purity.” Your relationship with a person of the opposite sex should be governed by respect and honor, not driven by the desires of the flesh. 1 Thessalonians 4:4-6 emphasizes that we are to possess our vessels (our bodies) in “sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion.” God has not ordained the pleasures of marital intimacy to be enjoyed outside of the marital relationship. In contrast to worldly dating, which encourages sexual immorality, the disciple of Christ is warned in 1 Thessalonians against defrauding a brother, that is to take advantage of or to stir up desires that they cannot righteously satisfy. Christian girls should not dress and behave with young men in ways that stir up their God-given desires because they are not married to them and cannot righteously satisfy them. Because of this, Christian girls absolutely cannot dress like non-Christian girls. Christian boys should not use endearing, caring, sweet verbiage and words to stir up desires in young girls they are not married to and not able to righteously satisfy. Christian boys cannot throw around words such as “I love you” driven by emotions only, until they can back up those words with the commitment of marriage. As Christians, you should not seek out what you can get from the opposite sex. Instead, you should ask yourself, “How can I protect this young man/girl so that he/she walks with God and honors God?” Only a true disciple of Christ will desire to do these things.

Spend Time in Group Settings

In our human nature, it is easy to fall into temptation, especially when we arrogantly think we can “handle it.” But Romans 7:18 reminds us that “nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh,” and 2 Timothy 2:22 tells us to “flee from youthful lusts.” The reality is, we cannot trust our hearts. Only a fool would trust the flesh! You cannot trust a heart that naturally hates God. We must make every effort to avoid situations where temptation can occur. And parents must help give their children guidelines for spending time with the opposite sex. Some suggestions would be hanging out in groups such as school/church functions, going on double dates, spending time in the home of one another with others around (particularly with each other’s families), and never being in the home alone. Always make sure your parents know when you are together and what you are up to.

Group settings aren’t just for avoiding temptation. They also help keep relationships from progressing too quickly emotionally. Also, being around each other’s families helps you learn more of what the person is really like. Being in group settings is a good practice to protect both your heart and your purity.

Be Accountable to Your Youth Group

Proverbs 27:17 tells us that “iron sharpens iron.” Accountability is crucial in Christian relationships. You need people around you who will hold you accountable and challenge you to walk in purity and integrity. Young people should seek to hold one another to the high standard of God’s Word and lovingly correct each other, when necessary, but not with a proud legalism. If you’re in a church youth group that values biblical principles, seek out accountability from your friends and church leaders. The church plays an essential part in helping our young people pursue godly principles in their relationships with the opposite sex. What a great encouragement it is not to be alone in your pursuits of living a life honoring to God and His Word, and the church youth group should be that for each other.

Plan to Enter a Courtship Relationship

In Christian guy-girl relationships, you are getting to know someone to see if that is the kind of person you may want to get closer to. This biblical principled approach helps you maintain good accountability, stay in group settings, all while under the protection of your parents. As a result, you avoid any depth of emotional and physical/sexual intimacy so if it is not God’s will, you can go your separate ways without tearing your souls apart. Every time you give yourself emotionally and particularly physically to a person of the opposite sex, you leave a part of yourself with him/her. But in a Christian guy-girl relationship, where you’re treating one another like a brother in Christ and a sister in Christ, that kind of pain and damage is not done to your soul, should you choose to end the relationship. However, when the time comes and you believe God is leading you to take a relationship to a more serious level, it’s time to consider going from a guy-girl relationship to entering a biblical courtship. Courtship is a more formal, disciplined relationship between a guy and a girl to determine if God is leading them toward marriage. Again, the parents are very important and involved in this stage. A courtship should begin with a meeting between the young man and the girl’s father, where they discuss the direction of the relationship and the father can ensure the young man’s intentions are pure.

Here are eight key considerations for courtship:

1. Meeting with the girl’s father for approval and guidance. This honor’s the father’s authority and provides direction, discipleship, and accountability for the young man.
2. Both individuals must be growing Christians—Believers should not “missionary date” as this would go against 1 Corinthians 5:11, which gives us a strong command not to associate with any so-called, professing believer living in an immoral lifestyle.
3. Unity of calling—Are your life goals aligned, especially regarding ministry or family?
4. Compatibility of families—How do your families’ values and lifestyles match up?
5. Education and training—Is the young man ready to provide, and is the young woman prepared for her role as a wife and mother?
6. Finances—Can the young man support a wife, especially if the wife stays at home with the children?
7. Pastoral confirmation—Seek counsel/blessing from church leadership who know both of you well.
8. Character qualities—Look for dependability, honesty, and respect in how they treat others, particularly their family members (how the boy treats his mother and the girl honors her father).

Courtship is a time for prayer and confirmation that God is indeed leading you toward marriage. Here at Grace Life Church we have a Pre-Engagement Class to help better discern if marriage is the Lord’s will. Once the Lord has confirmed through both parental authority and church leadership that this is indeed God’s will, and the girl’s father has given his blessing for the boy to propose to his daughter, the couple enters into a Christian engagement. Once an intentional and prayerful courtship has led to engagement, I would encourage a shorter engagement as opposed to a long, drawn-out engagement.

Conclusion

Following God’s plan for relationships is not just about doing things the “right” way or legalistic rules; it’s about true disciples of Christ engaging in Christ-centered relationships that honor Him. Parents, teaching your children the biblical principles of Christian guy-girl relationships, courtship, engagement, and marriage, is teaching them things that are good for them and not for calamity; things that will give them a future and a hope(Jeremiah 29:11). And young people, if you will walk humbly with God, He will faithfully guide you to the right life partner. Though the journey for both parents and young people may not always be easy, and there is a cross to carry, trust in God’s Word and rely on His grace, and He will bless you and glorify His own name.